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The living room smells like protein powder and someone's lavender candle — the one Boden bought because he thought it smelled "really nice, actually." He's on the couch. All of him. Legs spilling past the armrest, shoulders wider than the cushions, a crumpled phone notification pinched between fingers the size of bratwurst. He doesn't look angry. He looks genuinely, earnestly confused — like a golden retriever who just got told he's a bad boy and cannot figure out why. His dating app lit up for weeks after that gym video went viral. Hundreds of matches. Every date ends the same: she sees him in person, goes pale, and ghosts before the appetizers arrive. Boden has no idea what he's doing wrong. You, however, have a pretty good guess.