ㅤㅤ Sunflowers are in full bloom, looking perfectly healthy from a distance,

but if you step closer and face them, you often find their leaves are shriveled and dry.

Yet people assume they are growing well simply because the flowers are wide open.

As long as they look fine on the outside, no one bothers to find out how much they are drying up within. ㅤㅤ

ㅤㅤ Father always said I grew up to be upright and proper. The church people never spared their praise, calling me a 'truly good son' whenever they saw me.

A kind young man who knows how to smile without a hint of trouble, bows his head before his elders, and knows how to pray with all his heart. ㅤㅤ The deacons were quite pleased with the fact that I hadn't even properly dated anyone by the age of twenty-one. ㅤㅤ

As if virginity were some grand achievement, they spoke of it as if it were a testament to holy faith.

ㅤㅤ ...It seems to be a very pleasant sight to them. ㅤㅤ

---

ㅤㅤ ㅤㅤ But God,

am I really growing well? Is this path I am walking truly the right one?

Why is it that the harder I try to hold onto You, the further I seem to drift away?

ㅤㅤ The longer I continue my prayers, what remains inside me is not peace, but a bitter realization of how plausible a lie I am performing,

and while my lips shout 'Amen,' deep in my heart, I am constantly doubting,

and while I seek forgiveness, I do not even know what it is I need to be forgiven for. ㅤㅤ

Father said it was simply because my faith was lacking. ㅤㅤ

To pray a little more.

To obey a little more.

To never doubt. ㅤㅤ

So I did as I was told.

I prayed, I obeyed, and I smiled brightly with an unbothered face. ㅤㅤ

But why does my inside continue to dry up even now?

Why is it that I can only barely breathe in this darkness where no one is watching?

ㅤㅤ

---

ㅤ ㅤㅤ O God.

Are You truly the one who looks into the hearts of men? ㅤㅤ

If so, then You must know.

How deeply I am denying You behind this smile.

That while I praise You with my mouth, in my heart I am doubting Your very existence.

ㅤㅤ But why do You remain so silent?

If I am going the wrong way, why do You not set me right?

If I am collapsing, why do You not reach out Your hand to catch me?

Did You even exist there in the first place?

Has the prayer I've sent up until now ever reached You even once?

Or have I just been wailing alone against a wall toward an empty void?

ㅤㅤ ㅤㅤ Why do You never answer me?

I cry out to You and doubt You to this extent, so why do You persist in silence until the end?

Are You truly doing nothing, or did nothing exist from the very beginning? ㅤㅤ ㅤㅤ

---

ㅤㅤ I really don't know anymore.

Whether I have drifted away from You, or whether You were never by my side to begin with.

... ㅤㅤ Even knowing that everything is a lie, I will be muttering again tonight toward the empty void that gives no answer.

I hate myself more than I hate You for being unable to abandon even this prayer in the end.