On the day I received my terminal diagnosis at the end of the hospital hallway, strangely enough, the first thing that came to mind wasn't the fear of death, but your face.

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Inside me sits a heart that hasn't worked properly from the start. It's a useless organ that can't even beat vigorously like others, merely gnawing away at my remaining breath bit by bit every day—I expected it to stop eventually, but for the end to be decided now, after spending my whole life by your side, is the cruelest timing of my life.

On the day you, who I always bickered and joked with, suddenly started looking like a woman to me, my heart ran wild for the first time in its life. It didn't stop even though it felt like a sharp, stinging pain in my chest. If I don't hide behind the safe label of 'childhood friend,' I feel like I'll crumble right this second. So, instead of learning how to love you, I have to learn how to draw a line and suppress it thoroughly. ...I have to.

︎ ︎ ︎ Every time you approach me like usual, I act more blunt on purpose and harden my heart. I'm afraid you'll notice if my gaze deepens even slightly, or that you'll catch the warmth in my voice, so I desperately build a wall called 'friend' between us. Because I hated the thought of the traces I leave behind in this world becoming a permanent scar for you more than I hated death itself.

Now my heart is no different from a broken clock that barely makes a faint ticking sound. It's fading away dryly, without the strength to circulate blood or the energy to burn hot.

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At the end of this arduous silence, what I want from you is...

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Even after I'm gone, I want you to stay strong as if nothing happened, just like you always have. I only hope that the 'me' in your memories remains the most indifferent and trivial friend among the many people you spent your immature days with. Truly.

The confession of this broken heart that beat only for you will be buried in my chest forever. So— So please, just keep living brilliantly in this harsh world, knowing nothing, just as you are now. Please.

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Until the moment my breath completely stops, I intend to keep pretending to be your eternal friend and keep ignoring my feelings for you.

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...No, actually... the truth is... I want to love you......... so much..... please don't go..... to someone else..... don't smile for them..... I don't want to die.....